


A Moment of Honesty in the Darkest of Hours

by Merlocked18



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Art, Canon Compliant, Drabble, Love Confession, M/M, Missing Scene, Pencil, Self Sacrifice, The Darkest Hour, Traditional Art, Unhappy Ending, canon fest 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-27 17:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merlocked18/pseuds/Merlocked18
Summary: Missing scene in The Darkest Hour. Set in the evening when Lancelot and a recovered Merlin return to Arthur and the Knights. Merlin and Arthur discuss the tear in the veil and who will go through it. Merlin can't let Arthur sacrifice himself to save the world.





	A Moment of Honesty in the Darkest of Hours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arthurmerlinfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arthurmerlinfan/gifts).



It can't be happening.

Arthur means to sacrifice himself.

Merlin is in shock. There must be another way!

What will become of Camelot without its just and fair ruler?

What of the prophecy of the Once and Future King?

He needs to stop this at all cost. He needs to take Arthur's place. He will do anything to accomplish it. Living in a world without Arthur is not a world Merlin can even begin to fathom. He can't picture it. He refuses to. What would Merlin be without Arthur?

 

 ****

 

Arthur is so noble. Smiling at Merlin by the fire. Ready to give up his life for his people. Denying Merlin the task - as if he had any say. 

"I will do it, Arthur!"

"No, Merlin. It is _my_ duty."

"Arthur, you can’t do this, you’re the King."

"Merlin. I’ve made up my mind."

"I can’t let you sacrifice yourself."

"I have to save my people, Merlin. There’s no other way."

"There is another way, Arthur. Let _me_ do it."

"Merlin, no. I almost lost you to the _doroccha_ already. I won’t allow it."

"Arthur, please."

"Do you honestly think I would sacrifice my servant? What kind of king would that make me?"

"How do you expect me to just stand idly by when you kill yourself? I will take your place. I am a mere servant. You are the King."

"Merlin, you over-loyal idiot, you will do no such thing."

"I will."

Arthur groans and looks heavenward. "Why, Merlin? Why would you do that?"

"I…"

"Why are you so eager to take my place? Tell me."

"I…"

"Yes?"

"I’m such an idiot, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you weren’t there to order me around."

"You are always complaining, Merlin. You hate the work."

"I don’t hate it, Arthur."

"Well, I never get the feeling that you much enjoy the chores I give you either."

"I am a servant, I live for these mundane tasks."

"Hah, you live to snark and disobey me as much as possible."

"Well, riling you up amuses me greatly."

"You are such an idiot."

"SO LET ME BE ONE THEN!"

Arthur glares at Merlin.

"Stop this now, Merlin, " he tells Merlin sternly, but adds in a softer tone: "But, you know, for a dreadful servant, I’ll miss this, if I’m quite honest."

"What?"

"Bickering with you."

Merlin's had enough of this. He gets up and starts pacing back and forth.

"Arthur, you can’t do this. Let me do it instead. Please!?"

"Oh, for the love of...Merlin, it’s my _duty_ , just as it is for you to _obey me_."

"I never obey you!"

"Do I have to tie you down?"

"Quite possibly, Arthur!"

"You’re impossible. Now stop pacing, you are giving me a headache."

Merlin won't settle down. This is too important. He continues pacing.

"Camelot would be nothing without you!" he bellows. He totally ignores the puzzled looks from the Knights.

"Merlin..."

"You can’t do it!"

Arthur gets up, too. Probably thinks he can lord it over Merlin.

"For gods' sake, sit down, will you? Why do you care so much, Merlin?"

Merlin glares.

"How can you even ask me that?!" 

"I am asking you, please, tell me the truth. Why are you so opposed to me doing what’s right for my people?"

"Because it _isn’t_ right! Because Camelot needs you _alive_."

"Why do you care so much about Camelot? You are from Ealdor, from another kingdom. There is something else you are not telling me, isn’t there?"

"I…"

"This time, tell me the truth." Arthur's tone brooks no argument.

Merlin deflates. He is so tired of keeping everything inside. So tired of hiding who he is. If this is their last night, why shouldn't he tell Arthur everything? Arthur would willingly fling him to the fates if he knew Merlin was magic. Maybe it would have to come to that after all.

Just the thought of being honest about the _other_ thing, makes Merlin want to run as far away from Arthur as he can. It's such a futile endeavour after all. How to even begin?

Merlin steels himself and, at barely a whisper, he manages to convey his sentiment in a hoarse whisper.

"I consider you a _friend_ , Arthur. A friend. And, as such, I just, I don’t want to lose you."

Arthur is staring at him. 

"A friend?" Arthur says, somewhat bewildered.

Merlin's gut twists. Arthur is probably appalled at the idea. That thought fuels him to soldier on.

"I know, I am beneath you, in every imaginable way, but sometimes it feels like you are the only friend I have, and I don’t want to lose you," Merlin turns away from the sight of Arthur so affronted. "Alright? You happy now?" Merlin adds defiantly, expecting to be laughed at.

He doesn't quite expect Arthur's soft response, and a hand to his shoulder. He is turned to face Arthur.

"But, if you sacrifice yourself, how do you think _I_ will feel?"

Merlin can't quite believe Arthur's hand is lingering on his shoulder. He has never been touched like this by his King before. He is going to miss Arthur's touch in the beyond, he is sure of it, because it feels so right. He is going to man up, full stop. He is not going to cry.

Merlin feels the loss of Arthur's touch like a knife to his gut. Arthur turns away from him and glances over at the knights a few paces away.

"Arthur, it would be easier if I gave my life." Merlin must be the reasonable one.

"Easier?" Arthur snorts, but it sounds suspiciously like a half-sob.

"Yes, you wouldn’t suffer as I would suffer?" Merlin hesitates now. Arthur rounds on him, and Merlin takes a few steps back.

"Merlin, you are an absolute idiot." Arthur hisses so the knights won't hear.

"What?"

"You think I wouldn’t suffer if I lost you?"

"I’m a servant, a bad, disobedient servant. You would forget I even existed quite soon after." Merlin reels off the old arguments that have torn at him since he fell in love.

"Is that what you really think? That I would forget you just like that?"

"Yes?"

"What if I told you, I consider you my best friend."

"Best friend?"

 

"Yes, Merlin, my best friend. Do you really think I care so little? I thought you were lost to me, mere hours ago I was imagining my final days being without you. The thought of you dying alone somewhere vexed me greatly."

"I…"

"Do you have any idea how relieved I was to see your idiotic face.? I don’t think I would have made it this far without you. You have kept me sane, counselled me, and, yes, you saved my life when we met. In fact, I would be very distraught if I lost you."

"Best friends?"

"Yes, really, now will you please forget this nonsense?"

"I’m begging you, Arthur, as your best friend, let me do it. I can’t...function without you, I might as well die. Problem solved."

 

"What? Merlin. You must love me, to be so eager to die for me."

 

Merlin stops breathing, looks down at his old, worn boots. The moment has come.

  
  
"Please, don’t make fun of me. Not now, " Merlin whispers and, yes, he can't help it when his eyes well up.

"Merlin?"

Merlin soldiers on, damned the consequences, damned his heart breaking.

 

"When I am gone, you will reign over Camelot. It will flourish. I want you to live to make Camelot the greatest kingdom of all time."

"Merlin?"

"Arthur, I don’t want any arguments. I don’t want to fight with you this last night. Please, just let me do it."

 

"How long have you felt this way, Merlin?"

"What way?"

"You _love_ me?"

Merlin knows how futile it all is, the love he has harboured for Arthur for years. It has all come to this.

"It doesn’t matter now."

 

Arthur looks over to where the knights are sitting, then sighs and shakes his head. Merlin looks at him warily. 

 

"I wish you had told me sooner."

 

"Yes, that would have gone down alright, wouldn't it have?" Merlin scoffs, wiping a tear. 

"Oh, Merlin..."

"You would have thrown me out?"

"I wouldn’t have."

"I certainly couldn't have served you any longer. You wouldn't allow me to dress you...I would have left. For everyone’s sake, I would have left, so I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to leave."

"Merlin."

"Hmm...?"

"What if I told you that the feeling isn’t entirely one-sided?"

 "Huh?"

"What if I told you _I_ love _you,_ and it’s hard to picture my life without you?"

"Arthur, please. Don’t jest, not about this."

"It's not a joke, Merlin."

 

 "Arthur?"

"Oh, my darling idiot."

Merlin thinks he wants to either kiss or throttle the man, he thinks the latter might be better.

"I can't believe I am hearing this," Merlin mutters. He. Cannot. Believe. THIS.

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME?!"

The knights are in conversation, which pauses.

They are probably wondering about Merlin's irate behaviour, thinking him way above his station.

"You are such a... CLOTPOLE!" Merlin carries on regardless of the fact there is an audience.

 

Merlin kicks the dirt and sits down in front of the fire and buries his face in his hands. Sad fury coursing through him.

He can feel Arthur sitting down next to him. Merlin really doesn't know what to make of this. He can feel Arthur inching closer until there isn't any space between them.

Arthur whispers:

"I wish we had more time, but it’s too late now. I need to leave you behind. I need to leave _everyone_ behind. I’d give anything to stay here with you, to explore what we both really want, but I really don’t have a choice. I need to do this for my people. It is my duty to protect them, and that includes you, Merlin, I can’t watch you die. My heart won’t allow it. I couldn’t live with myself if I let that happen."

"Well, now you know how I feel, then don't you? " Merlin croaks, refusing to look at Arthur, staring at the far wall of the castle.

"I will go to my death safe in the knowledge that my beloved will be safe."

"Beloved..," Merlin wants to cry at the notion. 

"Yes. Beloved, " Arthur whispers and leans in so that his nose is pressed to Merlin's ear. This must be some hallucination brought on by the treatment of the vilia.

"It has been knocking around inside my rib cage for some time, but having you throw yourself in the path of the doroccha, to save me, drove the point _all the way home_."

"I can't beiieve this," Merlin gasps at Arthur's lips gently pressing on Merlin's temple.

"Now let me return the favour. Let me save you. This once, let _me_ save _you_."

 

Merlin wants to scream at the gods for being this cruel. Bringing them together at the end like this.

 

"Who will lead your people when you are gone, huh, Arthur?"

"Gwen is more than capable."

Merlin heaves a vehement sigh. Gwen. Of course. Maybe it is best to let Arthur believe he has given up on the notion of sacrificing himself? He will just have to do it, Arthur's wishes and wants be damned. He is still a sorcerer, and he will make sure Arthur lives to rule his kingdom.

He plays along.

"It is hard to picture Camelot without you."

"I don’t know what awaits me beyond the veil. Maybe it is another world."

"I hope we’ll meet again, on the other side."

"Perhaps we will."

"Maybe things will be different and we can be _true_ friends."

"Maybe."

Merlin's eyes go blurry. This is their last moment. Soon Merlin will make sure Arthur lives another day.

"I could go with you? Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. This is a quest for me alone."

 Merlin nods.

Arthur grabs Merlin's hand, discreetly.

Merlin stares at their entwined fingers.

 

"Merlin, I’m sorry about everything."

"I’m sorry, too."

 

They both sit quietly, holding hands.

 

"So, Merlin, how would you like to spend the last hours of our entwined lives?"

"Not saying goodbye."

"I wholeheartedly agree."

"Wow. The King of Camelot agrees with me."

Arthur snickers.

"Idiot."

"Now, there’s the Clotpole I know and love."

"That's not a word, Merlin."

"Love is not a word?" Merlin grins.

"You dolt."

"Is that a word?"

"Shut up, Merlin."

 

Merlin giggles, even if all he really wants to do is bury his face in Arthur's neck and wish the world wasn't so warped and unfair. There is a loud screech from the darkness outside.

Arthur doesn't seem to care whether his knights see him tasting his servant's mouth.

 

"Don't forget me."

"I'll never forget you."

 

EPILOGUE

 

So Lancelot managed to do what neither Arthur nor Merlin did - to sacrifice himself for the world.

Living in Camelot after that night, knowing Arthur loves him and is unable to do anything to act on those feelings hurts more than Merlin thought was possible. Keeping those feelings firmly bottled is torture on a daily basis. The lingering smiles that Arthur sometimes grants Merlin sustain him for several days.

But it isn't healthy. There is only so much love you can hide under snarky retorts and bickering. Merlin wishes things were different, wishes he could tell Arthur his last big secret, but he won't. He doesn't want to leave.

He sometimes wonders whether he would find happiness somewhere else, with someone else, like Arthur is trying with Gwen, but he can't bring himself to. He belongs with his King. Even destiny dictates that Merlin stay. Tending to Arthur is as close as he gets to true love, and maybe he finds contentment in the small glimpses of honest affection in Arthur's eyes.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This one is for arthurmerlinfan for their never-ending enthusiasm and support for my art. *hugss* Hope this little merthur thingymabob is to your liking. Happy belated birthday (when this posts you will probs have had your birthday ages previous) <3<3  
> -Merls


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